Re-Tox

With all the fads these days I have felt it important to provide some moderation in the form of the extreme re-tox diet. The basic premise behind most de-tox diets is that all the toxins in our diet make us sluggish and unable to deal with life. My basic premise is that Humans have evolved to a naturally more sedate pace of life involving foraging for food eating sleeping and having kids. Modern society has outstripped our ability to cope with it and no amount of de-tox will enable us to cope. What our under-evolved bodies need is some serious augmentation to cope with the stresses of the information age. There is a health warning associated with this diet. It will kill you, no-question about it. On the plus side you will die having achieved more with your life.

Week Days.

06:00 – Get up, Drink Two Cups of coffee (have one fag per coffee if you smoke).

07:30 – Head to work in the rush hour to get your stress levels up, consume two cans of Red Bull whilst in traffic.

9:30 – Arrive at work late and irritable, get another coffee and a Bacon Sandwich or other fatty snack.

11:30 – Diet Fag break, and another coffee.

13:00 – McDonalds/KFC/BK for lunch, Pizza Hut buffet on Fridays. Don’t forget the coffee.

15:00 – Fag and Coffee break.

19:30 – Leave work for maximum traffic mayhem. Two more cans of Red Bull on the way home.

21:00 – Get home and fry some Red meat for Dinner, accompanied by chips, or roasted potatoes.

22:00 – After all that coffee a come down is needed so crack open a bottle of wine or vodka.

02:00 – You should have passed out with the alcohol by this time to get four hours sleep before starting again tomorrow.

Weekends

Sleep in, get up drink coffee and eat fried food until it is time to hit the pubs with your mates. Then drink until you collapse. Get up again and eat Kebab on the way home.

Repeat until dead, (should take no longer than six months, although some individuals can keep this up for 20 years or more until the Liver and Kidneys finally pack in).